remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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