Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
