I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
