I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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