So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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