If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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