Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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