I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
