She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
