go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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