mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
