Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
