i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
