I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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