WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
