I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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