tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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