she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
