I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
