He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
