Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize