her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
