You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
