Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
