allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
