you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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