There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Shame - the story of my life.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
