laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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