why didn't you poke me back
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
