saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Operation Purity has been aborted
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
