i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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