I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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