Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
this will be a night to untag.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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