Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
