If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
