I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
As shirtless as possible
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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