a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
