I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
