I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize