i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
