I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
