Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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