Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
