She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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