fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize