Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
