but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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