so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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