I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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