if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
