Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
