I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
