Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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