sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
