return my video game
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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