You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
