I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
