matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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