i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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