they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
